I am the Forgery of Myself
Is it happening to everyone? Or is it just me, want to disappear sometimes, not suicide, just become transparent, melt into the air around me， like how rain joins the ocean, snowdrops into the earth. So I will not be seen, so I will be safe.
I started to see things in my head this summer, I saw there is a hole on her chest, a crying eye, the tear was drowning her, she did not ask for help, she disappeared into the water.
There was a homeless man living under the bridge next to my apartment. I went out this morning and found he was gone, leaving pieces of his home on the autumn ground. He slept on foam, owns four blue glasses of different shades.
All that happens in our lives also happens within us, and all that fades in our lives also fades within. If we paid a little attention, we will notice that these losses have ripped some hints from our hearts. I never know his name, but he is gone today.
I am terrified of festivals, Halloween, Christmas, New Year…… You are meant to celebrate these days, be happy, laughing with your loved ones. It’s scary, when the days come, it’s like the midnight bell for Cinderella, I become back to that single match lying inside a matchbox, quietly, waiting inside the darkness.
Every time I see the moon, I think of the people echoing the same moment under it. The people who I laughed and cried for, who I did a little dance under the street lamp for. Yet, after all, the glances I once saw eternity within, broke into pieces in front of me, again.
During meditation, I saw a piece of land floating in the middle of darkness, I sat, inside a circle of flame, eyes closed, a snake wraps himself up from my feet, rests his head on my shoulder. He didn’t bite me, nor for protecting me. Not all beings chase, hunt, deceive, suspect, and feedback to each other. We breathe in, and out together, we co-exist.
From a very young age, I found everything is too late, I assume there is a life of mine that has never been twisted, distorted, slanted. Things I take for granted in that life, never last long in mine. I am the forgery of myself.
So what is real? I was killed a hundred times in my dreams and killed others too. Every morning, I stand on my dried bones to welcome the sunlight. Wishing you good morning, good afternoon, good evening, and good night.
所有人都会这样吗？还是只有我。有的时候想要消失，不是死亡，只是变得透明，融入我身边的空气当中，像雨融入大海，雪花融进大地。
今年夏天开始我看到许多东西，我看到女孩的胸口有一个空洞，一只哭泣的眼睛，眼泪流淌直到把她淹没，她没有求救，她随着水消失了。
今天早上出门发现，桥下的流浪汉不见了，穿着制服的人在收走他留下的家的碎片，他睡在泡沫上，有四个深浅不同的蓝色玻璃杯。所有发生在我们生活里的一切也发生在我们的内心，所有消亡于我们生活的，也消亡于我们的内心。如果我们能够稍微留意，就会发现这些失去就是从我们心头撕走。我不知道他的名字，但今天他走了。
我很害怕节日，害怕圣诞节，害怕新年。一到所有人都理所当然欢庆的日子，我就变回了一根躺在火柴盒里的火柴，静静地，在黑暗中等待。好孤独，过于美好的东西总是让我想要流泪，像是小孩坐在电视机前，背景被拉的很长，我的影子又变成一根瘦长的火柴
天涯共此时，每次看到月亮我都这样想。想念很多人，曾经爱过为他们哭过笑过，路灯下跳过一支舞的人。可是，可是，终归是，那一眼望穿秋水的，那些恍若永恒之物一次一次在我的生活中我的眼前破裂，于是我要再次寻找。月亮纹丝不动，我在地球上永久追随月光
意识沉迷间看到一片悬浮在黑暗中的土地，有一圈火焰，我盘坐于其中，闭眼，一条蛇从我脚边缠绕往上，头枕于我的肩头。蛇没有咬我，也不为保护我，它存在，我也存在，不是所有生灵之间都有追逐、猎捕、欺骗、怀疑、吸血和反哺，有时候只是它在我肩头，我们一起吸气，再呼出来。
从很早开始，我假设我拥有一个不曾被歪斜过的人生，在那个人生里我所拥有的，在我的人生里从不长久，我是我的赝品。
什么是真实的呢？我在梦境里无数次被杀死，也手刃很多人，我站在很多我的枯骨上，迎接每一天的太阳，祝你早安、午安和晚安。
2022.10.12
