In Moment like This

I am obsessed with things that don’t last forever, like the moon, like the ripples in the river, like fire, like love, like my life.

I often dance in my dreams, spinning and dashing down the clouds, or hills, or streets filled with crowds. The truth is I can't dance, I can't even balance on one foot. But I love the dances in my dreams, so free as if I become the wind, whipping across the meadow and then disappearing - a weightless body.

I don't seem to be able to care about actual things, things that have weight, like tomorrow, like love, like my life.

It is raining outside, I turned on the warm lamps in my room, lighted some candles. The space is so quiet, full of silent unsettling noises. I am so far away from the world, so far away from the people I love, and from my physical body. I am like a person who lost her memory, I heard about myself from others and still don't know who I am.

In every moment like this, I want to end, to stop my life. I know I won't, but I would still think about it. If I am a tree in which solitude is my destiny, then there won’t be any expectations or any moments like this—— sitting alone in front of the gray sky, feeling the whole world has nothing to do with me; at the same time so desperate to blend into the world, to become a dust, a feather, a wave.

But not to become me.

今天晚上是满月，我一直都很喜欢月亮，买相机的原因也只是为了拍月亮。我痴迷于那些不恒久的东西，像是月亮，像是河流的水纹，像是火焰，像是爱情，像是我的生命。

我常常在梦里跳舞，旋转着飞舞冲下云霄或山坡或充满人群的街道。但事实是我压根不会跳舞，连单脚站立都无法平衡，但是我好喜欢梦中的舞，好自由，好像我变成一团风，呼啸过草原然后消失不见——那是没有重量的身体。

现在外面下着小雨，天空灰蒙蒙的，房间里开着暖色台灯，点了浆果味的蜡烛。我感到安静，也听到很多不安的噪音。我与世界离的好远，与我爱的人离的好远，与我的身体离得好远。 我好像一个失忆的人，从他人处听说了我，却不知道我是谁。

我想哭，每到这种时刻就想要结束，或是暂停生命，我知道我做不到，但还是会有所期待。 如果我是一棵树，如果独自伫立是我的常态，就不会有所渴望，也不会有这样的时刻，一个人坐在灰色的天空前，觉得全世界与我无关；同时又如此迫切地融入全世界，成为一枚尘土，成为鸟的羽毛，成为浪花。

但不成为我。

2023.04.20