The World is Drowning Me

These are fragmentary broken unstructured words, as our lives are fragmentary  broken and unstructured.  We want to make sense of everything  a system  the straight line diagram  the fastest way from A to B   it's machinic  our highest praise for an individual is  you can never stop creating  like a machine  but machines are invented to save human effort  and who are we saving?

separate cells  squares  people in the outside want to get in people in the inside want to get out  the door is unlocked  but are we free? yes, we are  free to destroy ourselves  not the cells  the easiest thing is to pretend you did not see the unlocked door

pain, wounds, ripping, hanging, tribal people nailing wood and metal into their body, as soft, corroding flesh is transient, but solidity is eternal, they want immortality.

You know, in movies, the villain's goal is often two things: to rule the world or to live forever. I still don't see what's so appealing about that. Very often I step back and watch the world spin, and enter again after a while  to become the feed of the spiral  like everyone else 

silent mute muted  mouth widened but you can hear nothing  every traumatic experience changes and slightly distorts our bodies, making us who we are in the present 

When I was 16  I was asked to write about childhood  the colour of my childhood is grey  not a thin layer of pure  cement grey,  but a mixture of colours  layer after layer  to a dirty, suffocating colour  being trapped  At the end I wrote:  the sunset behind the school building casting its  shadow forward,  like a giant tomb.

The world is drowning me. Do you understand the meaning of the word  drowning? Do you know that the shortest distance swim to shore only takes you further away from it? If there's a sound frequency that relaxes the brain, is there a frequency that makes the brain twitch until it's silent?  Silence  is the sound of an electrocardiogram returning to the horizon. It's the sound of a drowned individual, heard only by sharp ears  and it's enough to torment them.

Ma mama Why does the word mother in all languages has a similar pronunciation? I'm 20 and still need my mother  want to be loved  want to be lifted   want to be hugged  I've been talking to myself during sleepless nights   looking out of the window  I can see lights from thousands of families  makes me miss the glowing highways in Hong Kong 

Have you ever be into these still moments?  people in distant living in hopeless fear  the couple across the street are watching TV  cars flow down the road  as usual

Every time I get shocked  when I realise every single life behind those lighted squares are as whole as I am  having feelings and desires  secrets  wounds that haven't been healed  people they deeply love 

like the first time I watched a Big Bang documentary  the giant Earth shrinks  the Sun turns into a tiny light dot  there are galaxies beyond galaxy  universes beyond universe  and so I started to wonder about the question  we've all heard but never know how to answer:

Who am I? And how do I exist?

这将是碎片式的 零碎的 琐碎的 不成体统的文字 因为我们的生活是不成体统的 我们想要让一切都make sense 系统 直线图 A到B 这是机器化 我们对于个体的赞美是你能够做到像机器一样永不停止 但机器是为了帮人类省力气 我们又是在帮谁省力气呢？于是在一个个隔开的cell里 是围城 外面的人想进去 里面的人想出来 但出不来 是真的出不来吗？门没有上锁 你有自由 是的 你有自我毁灭的自由 萨特说 所以最轻松是假装看不见没有上锁的门

疼痛 创伤 撕扯 悬吊 穿刺 部落的人们穿刺是因为柔软而会腐烂的肉体是短暂的 但坚硬是永恒 将木头 金属钉入身体 象征不朽 你知道电影里反派的目的往往只有两个 统治世界 和 永生不死 我至今不明白这有哪里吸引人 很多时候我后退一步看世界旋转 还是觉得好奇怪 过一会再进入 和大家一样 成为漩涡的养料  头部旋转 双腿垂下来 垂 无力 摇晃 无力于自身命运 一部分身体被固定住 其他随风摆动 也摆不到哪里去

无声mute 静音 被静音 嘴巴张大你却听不到声音 在中学的作文里被要求写作 重回旧地 我写道：我的童年是灰色 不是单薄的纯灰 水泥灰 是五颜六色在一起 混合成脏兮兮 一层又一层 令人窒息的颜色 被困住了 在文章的结尾我写 晚霞在教学楼背后向前投下倒影 像是一座巨大的坟墓

这个世界淹没我 你明白这个词的意思吗？ 淹 没 你知道游上岸最短的距离只会让你离岸越来越远吗？噪音 淹没我的是噪音 如果某种频率可以让大脑放松 是否有一种频率可以让大脑抽搐直至发出静音 静音 就是心电图回归地平线发出的声音 这是被淹没的 个体的声音 只有足够敏锐的耳朵可以听到 而这足以折磨他们 明明还在走 膝盖却要跪下来 前面是朗朗乾坤才是最可怕 目光所及皆是光明 那需要擦除的污渍是我自己

妈妈 妈妈 为什么全世界母亲的词语都有相似的发音 我二十岁 难过还是想找妈妈 想要被爱 被托起 想要被拥抱 在失眠的夜里对着窗外自言自语 三十六层 可以看到千万户人家的灯火 让我想念香港灯火通明的高速公路 你有没有时候也这样静下来 远方的人们流离失所 对面公寓的情侣在沙发上看电视 车子照样在马路上流动 每一次我意识到 这每一盏灯背后的人 都和我一样完整 有七情六欲 有见不得人的秘密 有还没有痊愈的伤口 有爱的人 我都为之惊叹 像是第一次看宇宙大爆炸纪录片 很大很大的地球缩小 太阳变作一个光点 星系之外还有星系 宇宙之外还有宇宙 于是忍不住问起那个我们都听过但不知如何作答的问题：

我是谁？我又是在如何存在？

2022. 02.28