Belly, Ribs, Chest

Freedom, not about political autonomy, nor absurdism, nor struggle nor protest, the first thing come to your mind when you heard the word freedom, the breeze sweeping up the autumn leaves, lights, fires, the flowers bursting into bloom and wilting in a second, people celebrating unknown festivals, trains speeding past, hugs, crying, jumping into the sea…all these things intertwining, surging, coming together or you could also call it love.

"Man is only free when he is not existing as an independent entity, only when he denies himself and merges into the whole, more precisely, only when he is himself and not only himself.

"The second when you begin to think, it is not there anymore, you must catch it in the moment, without analyzing or hesitation "

I've been so burdened since I was a child, I was carrying so much shame. I'm always looking for an exact, perfect point, a point that being precisely calculated, carefully measured, it's like a spiritual diet, The food on the scale should be exactly 150 grams But how hungry I am now? How much do I want to eat? Or do I even want to eat or not? I don’t know and I didn’t care A completely rational self has splited from me, trying to control the other me like man manipulating nature.

What if I am less broken? I still cannot be able to connect with the past, not able to stop the rational me from judging myself "You are still not good enough", The pressure of wanting to be a better version of myself made me never comfortable in the moment

Being so sure of pain, so doubtful of joy, too afraid that even having expectations for happiness is intimidating

I learnt to open my shoulders and breathe inhale, belly, ribs, chest, exhale, chest, ribs, belly.

 My wish for last year is to become a tree like person rooted and stretch to sky. I saw an interview of a butoh dancer this year, he said dancing is about letting emotions come to the surface of your body. For the first time I desperately wish I could dance being a tree dancing stop swallowing pain breath more deeply that’s my wish for new year.

2022.01.02