i feel lonely.

the sun goes down. the buildings outside the window are covered in a tender golden glow.and then you want to be wrapped in something, too - something warm, something soft.

loneliness is realizing that even with a dozen contacts in your phone, none of them can stop you from standing by the window all by yourself, watching until the very last bit of warmth taken by the night.

loneliness is realizing that in this one and only life you have, you want so many and chase so many. But desires pull you apart. To satisfy one is to turn your back on another. To choose one self is to abandon another.

my loneliness is the regret for the other life, for the other me. it is the never ending debt I owe to the people I was supposed to be there with, keeping them company.

loneliness is choosing the sun in the east, then watching only its shadow at dusk.

这大抵是我最喜欢的一封信，关于寂寞：去感受生命给你的悲哀和寂静，他们刚到来时是陌生的令人不安甚至恐惧的，但是它们从来不会真正影响和动摇你的核心。不要去逃避这些情绪，将自己淹没在人群里，只会在一个人的时候感受到更强烈的孤独，因为此时的孤独不仅是孤独本身，还是一种更深的被你遗弃的孤独，被摈弃的你的一部分。

他建议在新的悲哀来到时，保持沉静和寂寞，因为这样我们才会得以看清新事物的形状和本质，它是以什么样的形式融入我们的生命。

我们所谓的命运是从我们“人”里出来，并不是从外面向着我们“人”走进。
只因为有许多人，当命运在他们体内时，他们不曾把他吸收，化为己有，所以他们也认不清，有什么从他们身内出现。

然后他谈到寂寞，我们都是寂寞的：

我们必须尽量广阔地承受我们的生存。

我们要去感受生命带给我们的所有体验，以同样的信赖和开放的态度对待欢愉和悲哀。当你怯懦和逃避时，虽然是为了自我防御但反而会损伤你的生活，是生命的枯萎，因为你没有办法选择性地感受生命。好像是“从无限可能性的河床里捞出来，放在一块荒芜不毛的岸上”。去体验一切，去体验与别人的关系。

可是那危险的不安定是更人性的。

否认生命的不安就是否认自己，否认人性。摈弃自己的一部分，又怎么得到幸福呢？然后他写了我非常感动的一段：

我们没有理由不信我们的世界，因为它并不敌对我们。如果它有恐惧，就是我们的恐惧；有危险，我们就必须试行去爱这些危险。

也许我们生活中一切的恶龙都是公主们，她们只是等候着，美丽而勇敢地看一看我们。也许一切恐怖的事物在最深处是无助的，向我们要求救助。

我想起之前我写的一段“ Only growing up I learnt being brave isn't about fighting dragons living in faraway mountains. Sometimes the dragon is inside me, sometimes the dragon is the cold shiny sword. ”

the endless extention of the self from its body - it's only physical manifestation-it is the sun, the centre of the universe, everything every experience extend from here. however we could never fully see ourselves, see our back we. we just extend

then he talked about how love and death "appeases the utopia of your body, it hushes it, it calms r it encloses it as if in a box" --that's the negativity of others - which is key idea in Byung chul-han's books. The lack of other and the flooded egotistic self, no negativety but endless positivities. the lack of boundary between I and the other therefore I don't exist clearly without an other

that's why love is important, love NEEDS a presence of an other -an equal other. that both can never fully grasp or understand another as grasping is the synonym of power and power should not be existing in love -they are in fact opposites. when you fully grasp an other(which you never can)you make them an extention of you -which is the extinction of love

This might be one of my fav exhibition ever the other one is Louise bourgeois’s the woven child 

They both are extremely feminine not as the “performative femininity” under patriarchy way but feminine in LIFE in the strong sense of life in their hurt and rage and desire and scream and strength

Fromm talked about if we are not going for what we want and expand our true self due to limited belief /societal expectations will lead to the thwarting of life 

she is the opposite - all her creations are rejections to be smaller to be elegant to be easy to chew to swallow -if I am going to be eaten up anyway I will hurt you I will burn you and you should be in pain like I do

i want to build a web of my consciousness
of how I see the world
how things are connected
how things are felt by me
and many others

i am an artist
i never call myself an artist
but what is an artist?
what is art?

artists are people who
love
beauty and love are so connected
nature too
an artist is someone who is authentic, genuine, honest
accepts oneself, sees oneself
sees others
someone who is whole
like the universe, or nature

and artist is someone who is being themselves
and therefore seeing others
in a world encourages us to be someone else
and see only ourselves

so
i am an artist
and I want to be an artist
i believe things are not that complicated
i believe things are not that shallow

i believe in light
in sunrise and sunset
in snowfall and raindrops
in babies' smiles
in human being soft

i believe in living
and death

i guess i sounds like an artist
artists are people who look outward from within
not the opposite
who sees, not look

as if you see, you see god in all of us

刚刚在洗澡 温热的水流过我的身体 像是温柔的瀑布 我想我的生命中与水的连接 我的天干日柱是癸水 晨露 下雨后地里泛起的潮气 山间的溪流 微弱的 细长的 安静的水 我在一小时前感到一阵解放 不是解开枷锁 只是让自己流动 让生命流动 承认生命的流动性 你无法抓住水 水的形状是容器的形状 是地势的形状 水的颜色是大地 天空的颜色 是其中生命的颜色 水回应一切 回应大地 回应风 滋养她身边的一切 不是因为她必须滋养 不是因为这是她的责任 而只是她是水 她流动 她一直都在

水是自由的 我是自由的 自由不在于选择的自由 自由是不被定义 框限 抓住的自由 你将水盛在碗里 她会蒸发 你无法阻止水不与她身边的一切发生关系 所有生命之中都有汁液流淌

如水一样流动 如水一样自由 如水一样强大 如水一样纤细 如水一样变幻莫测 如水一样流动千百年 她们同时存在于水中 同时存在在我里