I will write a book. To weave a web of my consciousness. I can't stop myself, as this is the only way I know how to live - to observe, chew, digest, swallow bits of life - my forever attempt to understand the world around me.

Maybe I am trying to figure out the system so I can survive in it and live a happy life. Maybe I am no different from everybody else- wanting to know why I am here, what my existence means. It has to mean something, right? It has to mean something. Not to fate, or to God. But to the stars, the trees swinging under midnight breeze - I have to mean something.

I feel so desperate - hopeless and hopeful at the same time. Like watching a movie about love, you see them gazing at each other like time is eternal. Beautiful things are always so heartbreaking. I look at the news - I look at people dying, tortured, women suffering, kids losing their last breath. Then I look at today's sun, the little candlelight on my desk. I don't understand why we tear each other apart when we have nature, when we have clouds and rivers and fire. They say it's useless. I think that's the first step towards dehumanization: you are lost the moment you think beauty and love are useless.

Every day a bad news, every day a worse news. People who love me are 7800 miles away. Despite living in a perfect modern apartment, I feel homeless. I want to be a tree - to be rooted, to stretch to the sky, to the sun. You can see what I've been through by looking at how my branches move - evidence of me being alive. But how can you be a tree when you don't have roots?

I don't know what to do with myself; what to do with my talents, my thoughts, with this writing. Streams inside me are constantly fighting, leaving me drained. I catch myself thinking: I love my life, but how can I have a little pause, a break? I feel powerless in front of a burning house, so the only thing I did was watch, and wish someone sees me - or forever not see me.

Unfulfilled. Damaged in places, estranged in others. Always hungry, always yearning, always impatient.